It was September 1996 and I was in Worcester, Massachusetts for the CVS Classic. It was lunch time and I was seated at a big table socializing and eating with a few of my friends. Among those seated at the table were two former champions of the CVS Classic, Blaine McAllister and Paul Azinger. Paul was rifling thru his mail which he had just retrieved from his locker when he ran across "the letter". "Look at this boys, I'm being fined by the PGA TOUR for breaking my putter at the British Open" he said.
It's important to note the "British Open", as it was called at that time, was not a co-sanctioned event of the PGA TOUR. This meant it was not official money for those who made the cut, it was not an official win on the PGA TOUR and therefore presumedly, not subject to the by-laws of the PGA TOUR. Hence, Paul's surprise at being fined for breaking his putter over his knee even though a video of the incident ran unmercifully hundreds of times on ESPN.
I asked Paul if I could write a response for him, and after a little nudging from Blaine, he said OK. After reading the letter, I turned it over and began to write. The first paragraph was easy as it was just regurgitating the lawyer speak of the letter. Their argument centered on the all inclusive "conduct unbecoming a professional" clause and I countered with there was no jurisdiction since the tournament was not a co-sanctioned event on the Pga tour. I stopped there and decided to wait until that night to write the rest, unaware of the direction I would later take.
At that point of my career, I was reading some fairly strange stuff, at least compared to most normal people. This included the likes of: Chaos Theory by James Gleick, Psycho-Cybernetics by Maxwell Maltz, The Taoism of Physics, by Fritjof Capra just to name a few. It was from within the pages of these books, and others like them, that my ideas would come together.
With pen and paper I began to write since we didn't travel with laptops back then. The next morning I would borrow a typewriter in the media center and type it out for Paul before my tee time. As I thought about what to say, I fell into a strange mood that only fans of Dr. Demento would appreciate as the letter began to take on its deranged flair. I don't recall the exact letter and I don't have a copy but the text included .......
This letter is in response to inquiry concerning conduct unbecoming a professional. The remainder of this text will show that my actions did nothing to damage the tour, but probably enhanced it.
Justification, for my actions comes from a High Image Top Dog Servo Mechanism recently damaged by my inconsistent and poor play. This mechanism can build up to dangerously toxic levels, which, in my case, was additionally fueled by my intense desire to beat the European dogs on their own soil.
In a recent article, entitled Entropy Plus Pressure Golf Equals Brain Meltdown, author Mac O'Grady suggests golfers are like walking time bombs on the brink of explosion due to a lack of a frustration vent..... in order to uphold the all-important image factor. He goes on to conclude that dangerous times may be in store for some of these golfers. As for my case, after 19 putts on the front night, my ears were red, my hair and eyes were ablaze, and I feared for my life.
And when compared to other sports such as Albert Bell in baseball, Michael Irvin in football, John McEnroe in tennis, my actions were minuscule by comparison. What do you think corporate America is doing on the weekend? Wearing three-piece suits, missing two footers, saying oh my isn't this fun. No, they're wearing shorts guzzling beer anxiously awaiting the first opportunity to fling their clubs to the best of their ability. This leads to my suggestion that we all be allowed two free throws per round in case Mac O'Grady's article proves prophetic. Therefore, not only do I feel I should not be fined, but I should earn Ryder cup points. Hope you feel the same.
Paul loved the letter and to my surprise, sent it in to the Commissioner with his name attached as the author. It surprised us both even more when Commissioner Finchem found the letter so funny he decided to drop the fine. But the story doesn't end there. Fast forward to the day after the Player's Championship ended the next spring.
Several of us were in Georgia for a fundraiser which Paul and his wife Toni hosted to raise money for a local charity. After playing golf that morning in a pro-am style event, we were all seated for a celebratory lunch. Paul was speaking and thanking each tour player individually for taking the time to come to the event and then he came to me.
A smile came over his face along with that mischievous grin and he proceeded to tell the story of the letter. Not only that, once finished with the story he recited the entire letter from memory, word for word, without making a single mistake. Paul and I have both asked the tour for a copy of the letter but the tour claims it cannot be found. You might be asking where I got the quotes I shared earlier. Those came from Paul, he still, 25+ years later, has much of the letter memorized. Remarkable.
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